:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
