So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
