I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
