I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
two words...techno handjob
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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