I think I am morally bankrupt
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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