Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
