Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
there is puke in my bra ... again
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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