did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
