Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Barsexuality is the new black.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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