I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
