His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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