I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
bring money and cleavage
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
