Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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