I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
