I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I love you. Go after that dick
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