I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
