He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
