Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
