Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
