david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
