T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
