Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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