I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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