Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
