Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
