Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
