Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there's paper in my vomit.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I am naked and annoyed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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