dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
