The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
