I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
