There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Are my feet made of real feet?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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