Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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