Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
