I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
