I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
