it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
