she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
