her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
