i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we're making bets on your personal life
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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