dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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