everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
