Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
