WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found puke in my bra..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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