why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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