If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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