Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
