she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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