Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
