the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
