So drunk its hurt
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
