Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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