separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
