I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
